In Snape's Class
by Schermionie
Summary: Why is it that all great love stories begin in Snape's potions class? Maybe it has something to do with the fact that Draco and Hermione are repeatedly paired for pointless projects... Warning: nonsense, slash and a healthy dose of Ron/Everyone.


_Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns the Harry Potter books which fanfictioners use for their own stories. As I am parodying these fanfictions, I thus give credit to her, but must also bow down to the fanfiction authors who made a parody possible. _

_While this points out some of the discrepancies of Harry Potter fanfiction "trends" the only things I am directly insulting are my own works. For anyone who thinks they have been directly targeted, think again - I'm not saying that certain things are good or bad, merely laughing at everything equally. Hopefully you can laugh at it too, even if you are laughing at how poor it is.  
_

_There is a more descriptive disclaimer after the story.  
_

_A/N:__ Literally just a mind-splurge that came to me without warning one morning. I wrote it not as someone trying to be funny, but as someone desperately attempting to get rid of annoying plot bunnies. Nevertheless, I hope this is a good parody/crack fic._

* * *

It was Monday morning, and the Slytherins and Gryffindors had potions together for the next two hours.

Sigh.

"I'm going to give you a joint Potions project for no particular reason!" Professor Snape laughed as his nth year Potions class filed in. They were not surprised.

He'd been doing this a lot lately.

As they sat down in their usual places, he said, "And because that crazy fool of a headmaster keeps suggesting that we should do something or other to prevent house unity, I'm pairing Slytherins with Gryffindors. Not only that, boy/girl pairings, too."

"Oh, great," Blaise grumbled. "I'll probably be paired with Longbottom, knowing my luck."

Draco gave Blaise a strange look. "It's boy/girl pairings," he said. "So you won't be."

"Oh, right. Yes. Boy/girl pairings. Of course."

Over the other side of the room, Hermione just _knew _she'd be paired with Crabbe and Goyle, who of course came as a single unit. She glanced at Snape, sure he'd be doing some threatening Slytherin thing, only to see him counting on his fingers, muttering to himself and looking bemused.

Glancing around the room and counting in her head like the smart witch she was, she could see why. Would this pairing system even work? There were an odd number of them and boys far outnumbered the girls.

_Though Draco could double as a girl_, she thought, smiling as he glanced endearingly in the mirror she knew he kept in his innermost pocket.

And for how long had she known that, never mind how had she found out? Since when had she called him Draco? Since when was anything he did endearing?

"Since you were a Mudblood, which has been your whole life," the object of her affection- er, objections sneered as he sat down next to her, having materialised in time to make a "witty" remark like he always did. Not that that was at all witty or a piece of something other than his usual delicious nonsense.

"Since I don't know any of you people's names, I've just paired up the main characters," Professor Snape told them. "And now, it is time for you to forge your destinies!" he said mysteriously, twirling away as if he were the lead in the oversized bat ballet and gliding into infinity and beyond.

"Where _is_ he going?" Hermione asked herself.

Draco laughed at her Mudblood-ish ignorance. "To take his afternoon nap, of course. It's so we can banter in peace; a convenient plot device. Not that you can banter I expect."

This is what Draco said. However, as they were so set against each other, so set in their opinions and stereotypes, Hermione heard something quite different.

"He's gone to eat midgets and apple sauce."

"I… see," Hermione said in reality, even though she really didn't. Was this some sort of Slytherin code or insult? Or was this what Slytherins did in their spare time? She thought of Flitwick and her secret cache of apple sauce worriedly and resolved to investigate the issue in the middle of an inevitable study session for her and Draco's project. Why she couldn't go to the library any other time now was unclear, but it seemed this detail was embarrassing as no one seemed keen to bring it up for reasoned debate.

Draco, of course, heard something quite different from that, too. _Why the _hell _did she just start telling me about the Muggles' blow holes? Father told me all about them already.  
_

Was this some kind of Mudblood trick that Father had warned him about? He had to be careful of her germs and lies. Father had also warned him that some female Mudbloods had these smiles that could make a man think unclean thoughts, and warned him not to fall into that trap.

As she gave a beautiful (in reality forced) smile, he saw what his usually composed father had been fearful of. But no. He would not be drawn in by her pretty nose and oh-so-kissable lips.

"We should just get on with it," he growled, looking away from her sudden, irresistible charm. She was not beautiful in a traditional sense, but there was something attractive about her all the same, and her figure had certainly improved in recent ye- No! He had to focus, had to resist her evil.

"_Excuse_ me?" Hermione screamed in outrage at the thing he had just said. _Hose pipe?! _she thought incredulously. Oh no, he did _not _just go there!

Even though he was turned away from her stunning visage, he heard her calm, level answer of, "Yes, we should. I was thinking we could create a potion comprising every contrived plot device ever; it will be difficult, but we're both able-bodied students (this he scowled at, knowing she was taunting him) with active imaginations and working minds. We can pull this off, Draco."

He shuddered at all the images in his mind and abruptly ran off to get the ingredients, picking them at random.

Coming back to their bench, he moved his seat as far as possible from her and dumped the ingredients down.

"Those… are just what we needed!" Granger exclaimed excitedly. "Oh thank you Draco, I'm so happy I could kiss you!"

If she was going to play it like that, he'd respond in kind. He knew she wouldn't be expecting her taunts to be acknowledged like that. _I'll make her rue the day she decided to mock Draco Malfoy!_

"Oh darling, I'm so happy I could do more than that." He gave her his most devilish smirk that he'd perfected in the mirror yesterday, guaranteed to make the girls go "Oooh!"

The rest of the class just stared at them.

In Hermione land, meanwhile, the young witch was having trouble reining her temper in. Why had he just moved his chair right up to her, so that their bodies were almost touching, in fact if she leaned just a little closer her elbow would be in his left butt- er, butter dish and their lips would be nanometres apart, and they would forever be entwined due to another contrived plot device?

"What the fuck is this crap?" she managed to shout, looking at the three toad tails, box of rubber bands, rough draft of a weird AS/S fanfiction and twister mat he'd brought to the table. "I ask for _this_-" she hissed, pausing to show him the long list of ingredients she'd written for their planned Plot Bunny inducing potion, "and I get _this_." Stabbing in the direction of the ingredients he had brought, she finished her tirade by thrusting the parchment at him and saying, "So you better go and do it properly this time, you idiotic ferret!"

_Goodness_. She frowned at her own crudeness. _I've really let him get to me, haven't I? Malfoy's such a gift to humankin- er, a git. But why am I so angry?_

_"People are horrible to those they like!" _a voice hissed in her ear. It was Dumbledore, who had taken it upon himself to play matchmaker with these two once his plan to build a ten pin bowling alley complete with its own stripper factory and luxury bathrooms slap bang in the middle of the Forbidden Forest had been rejected, but she wasn't to know that.

_Don't be ridiculous! _Hermione blushed at the thought that she could possibly have a crush on the sex God before her.

In Draco land, there was much joy and celebration going on. _She's given me a love letter! _His mind told him that this was it; he had to make his move now. The rest of him, however, was more interested in what dazzl- er, drivel Hermione had written to him. These words, he was sure, had come straight from her black Mudblood heart.

"Draco," a suspiciously familiar voice began saying, as soon as he decided to read this declaration of love. "This list of potions ingredients reveals my love for you, my desire, my tears and my fears. Remember the asphodel, which starts with an 'a'. This 'a' begins the term 'alpha-male' which refers to the strongest and best being in a group. You are that male."

_Unusual, but looking good_, he thought approvingly. A small, suspicious part of him was attempting to work out whose voice was saying these words and why it was familiar, but the rest of his mind kept repeating, "_Oooh, talking paper!" _so that line of enquiry went no further.

Dumbledore snickered from behind his hole in the wall. His plans were going perfectly. He turned to his toad-in-the-hole Patronus, which had paused in its monologue to stare lovingly at someone behind them.

"Severus!" he exclaimed excitedly, without turning round. "Come watch, I'm playing matchmaker! And you, don't pause to stare at Severus, I'm well aware you're enamoured with his doe, but he's taken you know." The ancient Headmaster admonished his own Patronus as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

For him, the Potions Master knew, it was.

The spotted dick Patronus sighed mournfully and turned back to its task, dead-panning, "Don't forget the beetroot, a disgusting colour of red that Ron goes and you never do. Yes, Ron. That pathetic blood traitor Weasley, who is poor and probably sleeps with his sheep. Draco, you are nothing like him, and that is another reason that I love you."

"What _is _this nonsense?" Snape asked, genuinely puzzled at how the senile old man had come up with these lines.

"I was trying out some Muggle drugs," Dumbledore explained, a twinkle in his dilated pupils, "and this fiendish plan suddenly occurred to me. It's brilliant, I know, but we're not at the best part yet. After the lesson, I shall guide these two to the Room of Pleasure, where they will have to have sex in order to get out!"

"An excellent plot, Albus. Even Gellert Grindelwald, your former sexy S&M lover, could not have thought up such an amazing way to get a couple to fall in lurve and get married and all that hip hop."

The Great Albus Dumbledore nodded happily, and in his moment of jollity, Severus knocked him on the head. "However," he said, rising to his feet majestically, "I cannot let this happen.

"This does look fun though," he admitted, crouching down to look through the eye-hole Albus had created to observe the classroom.

Back in the room of potions brewing and such, everyone was getting on… with their projects. Hermione and Draco had finally reached some sort of understanding, and it was this they were using in order to complete their project.

That's right. I said complete.

What? You didn't think I'd draw this bit out any longer did you?

"It says here that we should have a blue pill and a red pill," Hermione said, checking her carefully compiled notes about the potion they were creating that made it possible to cook something without it tasting at all like chicken. It even worked on chicken.

A genius idea, no?

"Then why do we have a red and a green pill?" she wailed, almost breaking into tears of frustration at their failure.

"There's a simple explanation for that," Draco cut in, just in time to prevent a serious mental breakdown. She'd come to depend on him to cheer her up and rescue her in times of disaster these last few months that they'd been working on the project; it was a role that suited him well.

"I'm in Slytherin, so everything I get, own, make, see, think about or do is green or silver. Hence, the green pill is for me and my Slytherin-ness, and the red pill represents your Gryffindor pride and healthy red Muggle-born heart."

Hermione nodded slowly. It made about as much sense as a donkey alternatively being called an ass. _I never did understand that_, she pondered, gazing into space before realising she was getting side-tracked. In this team, it was her job to question things, not accept them! _Damn Drake and his mind games, making me think about an ass at a time like this!_

"What do you mean, everything you _do_ is green or silver?" she questioned, getting into her interrogation pose.

"Well, there are occasional exceptions…" He winked at her and, seeing that she didn't seem to understand, waggled his eyebrows for good measure.

"Oh," she said, finally getting it. "Well," she smirked, using her best 'work only' voice, "we might just have to test that theory sometime."

Throat suddenly dry, Draco swallowed and turned towards the two pills they had created after decades of experimentation and hard work. "I suppose we should take the pills now." Raising the green pill to his lips, he resigned himself to the fact that even if they _did _get to test the theory, his father and her manic friends would still be after their heads for it.

Oh, well. At least he'd have won the bet he'd made with his fellow Slytherins that he could do Granger if he really tried.

"No, Draco. Take the red one, and I'll take the green one."

He breathed in fear at this astoundingly adventurous idea. Could they do it? Could _he _do it?

Yes. He could. Because Malfoys could always do it, being the owners of both B&Q _and_ Kando.

"Let's," he said. It was the bravest thing he had ever done, except that thing with the snow globe and the House Elf.

Slowly, they swapped pills, relishing in the touch of each other as their hands brushed.

"Oh, Draco, let's make lo-" Hermione started to say after they had swallowed the pills containing carrot potion, caught up in the romance of the moment; but before she could complete her desperate plea, they were transported to a trashy B&B far, far away, where they certainly would not live happily ever after.

Ah, true love.

"Um, Sir?" Harry ventured bravely, a generic period of time after Hermione and Draco had had their unfortunate accident. "Aren't we going to look for them?"

"Potter," Snape began disdainfully, "this is the fourth time this week. They'll be back." He glanced at each of his remaining students before determining that he had as much of their attention as he could ever get. "Meanwhile, I have a Potions class to teach."

The attention left immediately.

"No, really, I think we should take this more seriously," Harry insisted, more firmly this time. "Hermione could be hurt." Snape was as frightening as the stories about the curry monster his aunt used to tell Dudley (he still got the shivers thinking about them, actually), but he'd slain a big snake-thingy and faced Mr Dark Lord with a face even a mother couldn't love, for goodness' sake. "We wouldn't want what happened to Zabi- er, Zambini yesterday to happen again, would we?"

"Don't mention that!" Snape screamed girlishly. "How was I to know that would happen?"

"Well," interjected Ron, "_you _were the one who gave, er, _him _the _revealious fanfictionus _potion."

"I have a uterus now, and it's all your fault!" screamed Blaise Zambini, even more girlishly than her beloved Professor Snape. "Before, I had the longest wand in the class, but that damn Schermionie person had to go and ruin that!" She held up her broken wand forlornly.

Ron eyed the wand nostalgically. "Those were some good times…"

Everyone but Dean Thomas shuddered.

"Ron…" Harry said carefully. "Are you _sure _you don't bat for the other side?"

Ron looked at his _best _friend appreciatively for a few seconds before registering the question. "Harry," he began patiently, "I'm a keeper."

"You certainly are!" Rosmerta called from the opposite corner, giggling coquettishly and dancing seductively on the nearest potions bench. Several random Slytherins were throwing galleons onto the table, and some shady characters, a bar and other acts of debauchery had appeared out of no where.

_What the hell is that doing there? _he wondered, quite freaked out. Still, he winked at her and mouthed, "The usual place, tonight."

Snape sighed and rolled his eyes to where he thought the sky was… for hating the light, he had never seen it.

How sad.

"Why did you have to use me for testing that potion anyway?" Blaise cried dramatically, interrupting the tangent the story had taken.

"Because no one else was around," Snape explained, sounding disgusted that one of his elite students could ask such a moronic question.

"Where were you all anyway?" Hermione asked curiously, walking out of the Potions cupboard and adjusting her robes in a way that said, "I haven't been wearing these for very long." Draco jumped down sexily from a random tree that seemed to have been there all along. "Did you miss me?" his arrogant pose seemed to say.

"Fanfiction dot net," they all answered dutifully. Somewhere from the astron- er, divination tower someone shouted "Yaoi!" appreciatively and Ron high-fived the ceiling. "I swear I get taller every year," he muttered, standing up to sit next to Neville Longbottom, the Boy Who Made Toads Sexy. Of course, he banged his head, but it didn't make much difference either way.

Having settled in besides the clumsy class idiot, Ron eyed them critically. "And where were _you_?" Hermione had a difficult time working out whether he was jealously eyeing her or Draco – probably both.

Instead of voicing this, however, she merely said, "We went to the Ireland of China."

Gasps echoed throughout the room, even though only Seamus Finnegan seemed to know what they were talking about. "You went there too?" he slurred drunkenly, before standing up, doing an Irish jig, and falling over. Rosmerta picked him up, eyeing him approvingly.

Draco took out a long, strange object from his trousers. "Look at the screwdriver I brought back with me! It's sonic." He smirked at their awed reactions.

"You can put my shelves up any day," Ron said roguishly, looking Draco up and down.

"Sorry, Weasley, but it doesn't do wood," Draco rebutted fluidly, basking in the afterglow of his awesomeness.

"Oh, put it away!" Hermione giggled, slapping his backside.

Outside, Oliver Wood ran away to polish his broomstick, crying hysterically.

"Wosderfrooder?" Crabbe and Goyle asked unintelligibly, interrupting the "moment" between the couple who had bonded in more ways than one over a potions project gone wrong. Having missed breakfast and settled for the Potions bench instead, it was very difficult to understand them. Nevertheless, they were understood.

"We had marzipan," Hermione explained, changing her Nun uniform for a white lab coat and preening her short, straight black hair.

"All night long," Draco said smugly, eyeing Hermione's honey-coloured, caramel, milk chocolate, coffee Loreal curls and revealing pink attire, which was actually supposed to be blue.

Come to think of it, there were lots of things wrong with Hermione's appearance today… why, she wasn't canon at all!

"Emma!" Blaise suddenly screeched. "How nice to see you again!" she got up for a hug, but Emma moved away.

"You haven't been in the films yet," she explained by way of explanation.

"And _you _haven't been introduced in the books… ever," Snape said ominously. "This is why you must leave at once!" He suddenly grew taller and seemed to tower over them all.

Emma was having none of it, however. Knowing she had to go on the offensive or risk whatever would happen when she was officially expelled from fanon Hogwarts, she lunged towards Snape. Surprisingly, he didn't even show fear of her mad rage, machine guns, long leather coat and dark glasses.

Stepping back slightly, the Potions Master removed some chalk from where he kept Important Things and drew a line in front of him, adding the words, "Under-age Girls Only Past this Line" and a hopeful expression for good measure.

Emma halted in her awesome mid-air slow motion charge and fell to the floor. "Damn." Picking herself up, she frowned in annoyance. "An age line."

The Slytherins nodded appreciatively at the clever plan their head of house had concocted, and the class slu- er, Pansy Parkinson looked at the age line with interest. The Gryffindors, meanwhile, wondered idly why Snape allowed students to pair up for projects in the first place, thus leading to idiotic situations such as this. They figured he just enjoyed it, but you couldn't really tell.

"You shall not pass," Snape said, grinning as another of those completely over-used Lord of the Rings parodies came to pass. (Geddit?!)

Emma sighed and kissed Tom Felton one last time, before degenerating into her Hermione form. Back was the bushy hair! Back was the actual Hogwarts uniform! Back was the girl who had not had that pre-requisite summer make-over for many Dramione fics!

Back was the Hermione who had probably read them and laughed!

There was a stunned silence, before Draco whined, "I liked the old one better. Wait till Father hears about this!" Smiling encouragingly, he turned to his invisible audience and, thoroughly breaking the 5th wall (the one that comes after the 4th wall has been continually, ritualistically and painfully broken, abused and snorted numerous times), began to speak.

"Are you dissatisfied with a certain product? Do you blame everyone but yourself? Then Father Lucius ™ is for you. Guaranteed satisfactory product replacement within never or your money stolen."

Hermione (for it is she) turned to him, eyeing him critically before saying, "To be honest, I liked Tom better, too, but I'm dealing with it. Now come here, Muffincake."

Just as they were about to Get It On, Snape interrupted. You have to love him. "A hundred points from Gryffindor for not revealing your true identity, Miss Granger. And another point off for missing several years of your education by using the excuse of a failed potions project – clearly deliberate, the amount of times you've done it. I mean, how could you mess up a potion to do with potatoes? Simply idiotic."

"You should take points from Slytherin for doing the exact same thing!" Hermione protested, not denying her professor's words. "Sorry, Draco," she added as an afterthought. "And wait… several years?"

"Several years in Irish time," Seamus interrupted suddenly. "It goes faster when yer having fun and slower when yer not." He gave them a mysterious glance he'd obviously picked up from his home country and gulped down some more whisky.

Ireland is a mystical place my friend, a mystical place indeed.

Ignoring Seamus' mystical words and the dancing Shamrocks that had begun dancing dancingly as he spoke, Snape said, "You're right Miss Granger," using his nastiest tone yet.

"What?" several people asked at various times, depending on how much they had been paying attention to the conversation. There was a fair amount of gasping, too, most of it by Seamus, who appeared to have taken a liking to it.

"You're absolutely right," the Potions Master continued. "I should award Draco a hundred points for putting up with you for all this time."

"Woo-hoo!" Draco cried, and, ignoring Ron's reply of "That's what he said!", headed for the 'House Points-to-Money' machine on the outskirts of the impromptu strip club.

"Wait a minute," Hermione pleaded, not ready to relinquish her hold on the Malfoy heir just yet. After all, theirs was a bond born from mutual hatred, misunderstandings and a potions project gone wrong. It had to last forever.

The young Malfoy looked back into her rich milk chocolate, honey brown, caramel, coffee and so-gorgeous-you-could-eat eyes, drawing him back to her side.

"Didn't we have fun?" she whispered quietly, imploringly. Seeing Draco trapped by her vulnerable, puppy-eyed seduction, she smirked inwardly, keeping her expression like a dependant baby deer all the while.

Her love opened his mouth to speak, but she shushed him with a long, suddenly suggestive finger and moved to whisper in his ear. "I'm sure you remember that time in the dysfunctional air conditioner unit…"

"Yes," said Draco, shuddering with desire. Drawing her closer to him, he leaned closer and gave her the sweetest kiss imaginable. She tasted like rich milk chocolate, like brown honey, like caramel, coffee, the sweetest and most delicious taste ever. How could he have ever thought of leaving her?

Sadly, it was not meant to be. The kiss only lasted a few seconds, before Hermione pushed him away, nursing a painful-looking wound on her face. "Shit!" she screamed, looking at the blood pouring from the deep gash and giving him an incredulous glare. "How the hell is it even possible to be that pointy?!"

Draco's eyes widened in horror. Such blame, disdain, hatred in his beloved's voice! Surely she was not the beautiful, stunning, delicate little creature he had embraced only moments ago! "I have statuesque features! My face looks as if it has been carved from the purest rock! Of _course_ I'm pointy."

Just then, Voldemort swooped in and, with the magical powers he learned in Albania, healed the wound. "Until we meet again, Ma Cherie!" he called in the direction of Neville's Bench, though from the looks of the three students at it, he could have been speaking to any of them.

Ron appraised Ernie McMillan, who sat beside him, and licked his lips, filing away the incident for later inspection.

Meanwhile, Harry had stood up and was facing the wall which had been Voldemort's exit point. "Come back you cretin!" he cried. There was no reply. "You scoundrel! You rogue!" he tried.

Still nothing.

"You crook! Rascal! Villain! Scamp!"

Nothing but the sound of Snape staring at Dean Thomas in horror.

"Stand and face me, coward! Imp! Urchin!" Harry bellowed using all the naughty words he knew to express his outrage that such an un-jolly chap could flout his rightful provocations.

"Twat," he finally growled, sitting down and glaring at everyone who dared meet his gaze.

Hermione touched her face where Voldemort had placed his long, gentle fingers and swooned delightedly.

"Sit down, Miss Granger," Snape said in a tired voice which was rich and melodic. "In fact, everyone sit down, I don't give a damn where you sit, just do it!"

"O…K…" everyone who wasn't affected by his tired, rich, melodic voice said, before sitting down. Ron chose the aisles (all of them), Pansy Snape's desk (she'd crossed the age line long ago) and the rest of them chose the ceiling… somehow. Of course, a pureblood Slytherin who should know nothing of these things started singing the words, "Dancing on the ceiling," and such a thing started.

Severus decided he just didn't care.

"Right, everyone. On with the Potions lesson," he began, moving to the board to write the potion instructions on said board with his beloved chalk, scowling at having to Do It the Muggle way. (Earlier on while on a routine shopping trip he had decided to shrink all of his purchases, which had to be standard practice even though it never appeared in the books, and had forgotten that his purchases included the wand he'd had repaired at Ollivander's shop, so he could no longer use it. Not that anyone had noticed: it was short to begin with.)

He began his lecture with, "Today we will be making the MPREG Potion, a very im-"

He turned back to his students, only to see them dead on the floor, having lost their attention capabilities once their professor had mentioned actual work and fallen from the ceiling in mid-Macarena.

As he was wondering how the hell he would explain this to Albus, Voldemort whisked in once again and, with the mystical powers he learned in Sainsbur- er, Iceland, he and his sharks with laser beams on their heads restored the students to their former glory.

Severus sighed. This just wasn't his day.

Seeing Voldemort, Harry jumped up and cried, "I've got you now, you waif! You foolish remnant of a scallywag! You bastardised piece of putrid vermin!" and leapt after his nemesis, only to crash into the wall and collapse.

Actually, the day was turning out to be pretty good.

"Until we meet again, Snookums!" the Dark Lord said before flying away to have tea with Alice Longbottom, his words full of promise, and this time he was most definitely looking at Ron.

Harry glowered at Ron accusingly, and even the other students were gaping at the redhead as if he was toxic and they loved what he did.

All was calm, but they all knew it couldn't last. And they were right – for one key element to this Potions lesson was missing. That's right. Neville and his little "accidents".

And no, not those kinds of accidents! I meant the potions ones.

Because even if none of them had even started on a potion so far in this lesson since the beginning of Hermione and Draco's adventures in the Ireland of China, Neville had not yet had an accident… not a potion-related one, anyway.

"Neville!" the class called together, noting as one that it had in fact now happened, and backed away from the girly pink lip gloss leaking out of the leaky cauldron Neville had been using for making potions since 2012.

"Why were you even working on a potion anyway?" called out Random Slytherin number seven.

"Yeah!" agreed his faithful feather duster, along with several other allied house-hold objects.

"P-potion?" Neville stuttered nervously, successfully hiding his potions book behind the strange lamppost that had just grown out of the floor next to their bench. "What potion?"

His classmates scratched their heads in confusion and asked themselves the same question. But as the lip gloss engulfed their feet, they felt a strange light-headedness overcome them, and they smiled at each other in love and friendship. Snape exchanged a mutual hug with Harry's limp, unconscious form and Ernie and Pansy decided to add each other on faceb- er, the Official Wizarding Friends List.

Draco and Hermione stared at each other. "This is a Dramione fic," Draco said softly.

"We may be two people with differing values, but at heart we are the same," Hermione replied.

"Why shouldn't we be together?" they said in unison, and, after throwing away his 'Father Lucius ™' pamphlet, Draco took his love's hand and they walked off through the portal that had appeared in front of the lamppost, smiling in the joy of being covered in pink lip gloss and knowing love like this.

Of course, after the portal closed and the lip gloss froze in the cold winter of this world, they quickly jumped away from each other in disgust and, again in unison, said, "Why _should _we be together?"

Back in the classroom, Severus Snape paused from braiding Blaise's long, lustrous, minty-fresh hair to drink some of the Mystical Irish Whisky Seamus had lent to him and muttered, "It's turned full circle hasn't it?"

"Why does this always happen in my class?" he asked idly, moaning with pleasure as Luna Lovegood gave him the best massage he'd ever received.

"It's because you're too sexy for your cat!" Sibyl Trelawney called from the astron- er, divination tower, causing Severus to glance down at the cat sitting on his lap, who Hermione Granger had entrusted him with somewhere along the line. He thought anyone would be.

"That's what she said!" Ron said loudly, pausing from whatever the hell he was doing with Crabbe and Goyle. His sister Ginny replied with the traditional, "Wooooo!" before continuing her fight with Severus' chair, who was winning, he observed proudly. It was her way of showing affection, apparently.

"Your lines are worse than Dumbledore's!" Severus told Sibyl, ignoring the interested looks Pansy was giving him.

Ron was about to reply with his favourite saying and Ginny was getting ready to do the follow-up, when they were all distracted by the sudden dramatic opening of the potions secret cabine- er, store room.

And who stood there but… Sibyl Trelawney!

Gawking at her enticing bondage outfit and the fluffy pink handcuffs she wore, they thought that it looked rather nice on her and she should wear it more often. Pansy complimented her on her colour co-ordination and the astron- er, divination teacher predicted her death in return.

It was quite pleasant really.

"Who told you to come out?" Snape snarled. "You're my bitch and you'll do what I say, so get back in there until class is over."

Sibyl turned to Severus and put on her best "come hither" expression, and he found himself walking forward, pulled in by her, um, irresistible charm (?).

"Severus," she said, her voice sultry. "It's your turn to put the rubbish out."

Covered in the thick Gloopy Lake of magical pink lip gloss and confronted with the gorgeous body of his lover, he found he could not get angry. In fact, he was quite turned on actually…

It was indeed a good thing the bell rang at that moment. As everyone stopped piggy-backing each other, broke the conga line and started to collect their stuff together, he resumed some of his usual demeanour.

"Class, before you go, you know what to do," Snape said, and for once they happily complied.

They sang their hearts out, putting feeling and devotion into their performance, making it one of the best that the world has ever seen, one that would be talked about for millennia to come.

As their voices rose in a final crescendo, Severus felt tears in his eyes. "Singing our song, all day long, in Snapppeeeee's class!" they finished, and everyone clapped, indulging in one last bottle of Mystical Irish Whisky each to celebrate their awesomeness.

As they all filed out joyfully, Severus looked at his one remaining student and smiled evilly. Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, was currently lying on the dungeon floor in a critical state, and he could do whatever he wanted to him. The lip gloss' effects were wearing off and his mind was filling with all sorts of hateful things.

"Severus," Sibyl called lovingly. "I was only joking with you, it was my turn and I did it five seconds ago."

Severus smirked and said, "I'll just be a moment." Dragging the unconscious form of Harry Potter into the Corridor of Evil that just so happened to be an alternate route to his classroom, he smiled to her reassuringly, giving her a glance that said, "good things come to those who wait."

Her inner eye was being moody today because she hadn't let him watch the Lord of the Rings today, and, an impatient person by nature, she called after him. "What are you doing, Severus?"

"Putting the rubbish out," he said simply.

And he turned to the nth year students that were suddenly filing in from no where and who found themselves unsurprised by the scene before them. It was Snape's class, after all.

Full circle indeed.

* * *

_Any good? Maybe it was crap. Maybe it wasn't. Please drop a review if you can, preferably into a place where I can catch it. Or not, considering we're talking about me, someone who can't catch things. So please, if you have time, handle a review with care and pass it to me via the actual review system. Far less fun, but safer._

_And now, I shall disclaim properly. You don't have to read it, as it's a list of things I referenced here and just thought I should give credit where credit is due. Meaning, these things I've used aren't really mine at all, which you knew already.  
_

_**"I'm going to give you a joint Potions project for no particular reason!"** _Reference to the parody cartoon "Drawn Together". Some random villain stole a magic lamp, I think it was in episode 3.

**_Why the _hell _did she just start telling me about the Muggles' blow holes? Father told me all about them already. _**Another "Drawn Together" reference, first episode this time. The Disney Princess, Clara, has an extremely bigoted father who told her black people have blow holes. I thought it fit with the Draco-learns-bigotry-from-father situation.

_**"...I was thinking we could create a potion comprising every contrived plot device ever..." **_the phrase "contrived plot device" was nicked from a fic by DeliciousNewYork called "The Pornographer's Stone."

**_"__"People are horrible to those they like!" a voice hissed in her ear." _**I got the idea for a Match-making voice in one's head from the fic "Harry Potter and the Carrot Cake of Doom" by Elektra. Dumbledore being that voice is of course a reference to all those Dramione fics in which Dumbledore is the mastermind behind the romance, along with a tribute to manipulative!Dumbledore in general.

_**"It says here that we should have a blue pill and a red pill," **_From "The Matrix".

_**"****"I'm in Slytherin, so everything I get, own, make, see, think about or do is green or silver." **_Every Dramione fanfiction. Ever.

_**Snape was as frightening as the stories about the curry monster his aunt used to tell Dudley **_Stories my father created, actually. They were scary at the time.

**_Draco took out a long, strange object from his trousers. "Look at the screwdriver I brought back with me! It's sonic." _**Dr Who, for those who don't know, is a programme that has run on the BBC for many years now. The screwdriver comes from there.

_**"Sorry, Weasley, but it doesn't do wood," **_Something we find out in the episode "Silence in the Library" of the last series to date.

_**"We had marzipan," Hermione explained, changing her Nun uniform for a white lab coat and preening her short, straight black hair. **_Reference to a character called Mary Malone in Philip Pullman's book trilogy, "His Dark Materials". Mary described love as being like going to China, which is where part of Draco and Hermione's destination comes from also.

_**revealing pink attire, which was actually supposed to be blue. **_I'm sure you know that in the film "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" Hermione's Yule Ball dress was pink, though in the book it was blue. Hermione - Emma - wears a lot of pink in "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban" as well.

_** He suddenly grew taller and seemed to tower over them all. **_Reference as to how, in "Lord of the Rings, the Fellowship of the Ring" Gandalf became taller and more intimidating when talking to Bilbo about the Ring. Lord of the Rings is by J.R.R. Tolkein.

_**he didn't even show fear of her mad rage, machine guns, long leather coat and dark glasses. **_The Matrix again.

_**"Several years in Irish time," Seamus interrupted suddenly. **_Irish time is something my (Irish) physiotherapist told me about. Was he making it up? Ah, well.

_**the magical powers he learned in Albania **_Something I nicked from Umeko the God's "The Camping Trip of DOOM!"

_**a pureblood Slytherin who should know nothing of these things **_A reference to how, in many fics, Slytherins who hate Muggles enjoy Muggle things, including music.

_**he and his sharks with laser beams on their heads **_From an "Austin Powers" film.

_**the strange lamppost that had just grown out of the floor next to their bench **_References the first and second books of "The Chronicles of Narnia" by C.S. Lewis, as does _**the cold winter of this world**_.

_**too sexy for your cat **_Line from the song "I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred.

_**"Singing our song, all day long, in Snapppeeeee's class!" **_The actual line is "Singing our song, all day long, at Hogwarrrtttsss!" and is from the infamous "The Mysterious Ticking Noise" by Potter Puppet Pals.

Harry's insults were inspired by Yuan Shao's words in the game _Dynasty Warriors_, made by the company Koei.

Personally I think Irish people are awesome. Seamus did whatever he did because I just felt like making him do those things; 'twasn't my interpretation of the Irish, as I don't really have one, other than that I think they are awesome.


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